I have not written a word for a while. Believe me I wanted to, but how many times can you complain about nausea or exhaustion, before it is just redundant. I’ve now securely entered my Second Trimester. On Friday, I’ll officially be 16 weeks. I feel a lot better these days, no nausea and my energy is creeping back. Honestly, I feel…NOT PREGNANT! I’m almost growing to hate this limbo phase between the first trimester, where baby constantly reminds you he or she is there by making you feel sick and tired all the time, and the moment you feel that first kick or movement. Feeling nothing is the scariest thing.

I find myself consistently going about my day almost oblivious to my pregnancy. I feel normal again. I’m back to normal activities like hanging out with friends on a Friday night, working out for at least 30 minutes without collapsing, and having a sex drive. If it weren’t for the small bump growing from my belly and preventing my pants from comfortably fastening, I’d say something weird happened and I’m no longer pregnant. Sometimes at night I just hold my belly and talk to him.

“Hey baby, it’s your mama! Are you still in there?”

Of course, he doesn’t respond. Or does he? If I could just have access constantly to an ultrasound machine, I might see my baby fluttering around in response to my question. Sadly, you only get two ultrasounds during the pregnancy unless there is an issue. I had my first one at 10 weeks, and now I’m anxiously awaiting my second one at 20 weeks. Being a person with anxiety, this leads me to so many thoughts like is he still born, has something happened to him, did I kill him by taking Benadryl that one time my allergies were bad. I just want to feel him move, hear his heartbeat, know he is 100% alive!

I guess that the moment you read that pregnancy test, you enter a constant state of worry about your child. This is your first glimpse of motherhood; a constant concern for the well-being of your child and it never really ends. I know that my mother still worries about me and my sister even now that we are grown adults. Forevermore my heart is attached to another being that is a part of me. I’ve chosen to throw myself deep into my studies on child rearing and child development to distract myself. I know that literally no one is a perfect parent, and I won’t be either, but at least I can feel like I prepared for the task at hand.

Wait..I think I just felt him move…just kidding that was GAS! This is a constant question in my mind, is that him or gas? Mom’s how did you do it? How do you do it? My heart feels so full and at the same time so achy for this child I haven’t met yet. Does it ever get easier? Should I resign to this life of worrying about my child forever or have you found better ways to cope?

Until next time…hopefully by the next time I am able to sit down and write, I’ve felt my little man kick me so hard it hurts and I cry out in pure joy that he is in fact alive in there!