I have faced many fears in my 31 years of life. I’ve traveled to unsafe countries, backpacked alone across the globe, tackled public speaking, and jumped out of a helicopter over the Swiss Alps. Those were a cinch! Now I’m embarking on a new terrifying adventure: Pregnancy!!

I am not scared one bit about being a mother, that seems like the easier part to me. What I’m terrified about is making sure every action I take for the next 9 months ensures the safe arrival of my baby. I’ve never had so much responsibility thrust upon me so suddenly!

My husband and I were preparing to try to make a baby. Six months ago I started tackling my digestive problems and my anxiety and general mental well-being. I went to a Naturopath in October and found out after 8 years of suffering that I had SIBO (Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth) and I treated it with two rounds of antibiotics and the low-FODMAP diet. I was entering the third month of the diet and in the testing food phase.

I also started seeing a Life Coach to overcome past traumas and move forward happily. I was really preparing to bring a happy healthy life into this world. Then wham it happened, before even officially trying we got pregnant! My anxiety is full force convincing me that I’m going to miscarry with every decision I make.

I’m mortified!! This fragile life is depending on me and I’m a mess even after all this hard work. I spend restless nights debating simple choices like what and how often I can eat. Every time I run to the bathroom sick I feel guilty for eating what I did. Yesterday I hung with some girlfriends in a very luke warm pool for an hour and afterwards I felt so overheated. I panicked!! I killed my baby! I was convinced!

If I hold my bladder too long, I’m afraid I will get an infection that kills baby! Every random symptom has me furiously googling up a storm “blank and pregnancy “. Is this normal? Is that normal? Am I normal for feeling this way? I know a lot of women who have had miscarriages including my mother. I know it’s common. I don’t want it to happen to me and I feel like I have zero control and too much control at all the same time!

Help!! Does it get easier? Moms how do you survive this first 20 weeks without ending up in the Looney bin? How do I remain calm especially when every report has conflicting advice on what you can and can’t eat and what you can and can’t do!! Praying I make it to my second trimester!