Can we stop saying that women/moms can have it all?! If you live in the United States, it has become pretty impossible to have it all if you are not part of the 1%. We cannot become moms and keep full time employment without experiencing mom guilt, bias from society, and paying more than 75% of our paychecks towards childcare. Having it all without support systems built into the fabric of our society, is nearly impossible. So let’s stop perpetuating this myth, because it only causes moms more anxiety and feelings of failure and not being good enough to handle it all.

A year ago, I was 39 weeks pregnant and landed a new job with paid maternity leave four days before I gave birth to my second son. I felt like I had won the lottery. I felt so awkward participating in interview after interview while hiding my growing belly beneath the zoom screen. Why was I leaving my job? I was training for a promotion at my job and the Board chose to hire someone else into the role. I don’t know if it was because I was pregnant, but it sure felt like it. They also kept stringing me along about offering me paid maternity leave and didn’t confirm they would give me any until I was 37 weeks pregnant. At that point, I was on my way out the door.

I felt humiliated having to tell employers that I would need some time off from the start date, and so inevitably I came in “second place” for all the roles I was very qualified for. No one wants to hire a woman about to give birth. I don’t blame them, but it is unfortunate that we live in a society where my husband and I can’t even afford our bills and mortgage on one paycheck anymore. So, when I was offered what felt like a dream job days before I gave birth and they gave me paid maternity leave for 12 weeks at my start date, I was so relieved.

Sadly though, from the moment I started this new job right off of my maternity leave, things were extremely toxic. My employers, who were even a social justice organization and both female, expected me to bounce back only three months after giving birth. Unfortunately, I was a mess and the organization was a mess. It was a recipe for disaster. I had a newborn at home keeping me up all night, hormones raging in my body making me cry all the time and feel anxious constantly. They expected me to sit in meetings nonstop everyday while at home with my newborn. I was nursing off screen, while trying to be present in conversations.

I was bullied by my bosses, who wanted me to tow their line of abuse against staff. I was seen as lazy for not showing up to every out of office activity and not working over 40 hours a week. I was asked if I really thought I could handle working full time and watching my son. I had minimal childcare support and did my best to keep on top of my work and meetings. I put a lot of energy into the organization and that energy was drained away from time with my children. I felt like a failure. I was split down the middle and my two halves were not good enough for my job or my family. I felt failed by the society that told me I could have it all. I could not have it all.

After only 6 months, I was fired and told I didn’t do my “due diligence” on trivial tasks that I did do my due diligence on, but were just not to my bosses liking. What they didn’t like was I was a mother struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety and a lack of childcare support. I did my best, but I didn’t survive this cutthroat world that expects mothers to give birth and bounce back into the hard diligent workers we were before our entire mental capacity, body and world were upended by children. The most upsetting thing is that it wasn’t men who made me feel inadequate after having a child, it was other women. It was another mother.

Mothers with older children who seem to conveniently forget how hard it is to work right after giving birth are harming other new mothers. Also, mothers in leadership who had the support needed to get them there seem to lack empathy and understanding for new mothers in the workforce. In addition, childless women in the workforce who hold their nose up to women who are mothers and act like they are better than these women are causing so much trauma in the workplace for moms who want to work. Stop putting down women who have children as less capable and also if they need extra accommodations or time off to be with their kids, don’t talk behind their backs and treat them like they aren’t worthy of the job.

The culture and work culture in the United States is so toxic and so unsupportive of mothers who want to work and also women who don’t want to but have to. We need affordable childcare support for all families. We need flexible work schedules that support drop off and pick up of children- no more meetings at 8 or 9am or 5pm. Stop being inflexible and dismissive of coworkers who can’t attend happy hours with other staff, because they need to be home with their families. Stop abusing moms who just reentered the workforce after barely enough time off with their newborn and being insensitive to their anxiety, depression, and lack of full brain power. Stop considering staff with children lazy, because they can’t work over 40 hours a week like staff who don’t have children.

We are missing out on the amazing skills and input that moms and parents in general can offer in the workplace by only favoring staff that can work overtime, ignore their parenting duties because they can afford extra support or have familial support. Sure, it would be nice to be a stay at home mom for a few years then go back to work. Unfortunately, you know those moms face bias when there are gaps on their resumes for taking time off for their kids. Also, a lot of families need two paychecks to survive and then most of the woman’s paycheck goes right to expensive childcare costs. In addition, moms like me want to work, but we don’t want to experience abusive practices for choosing to work and be a mom.

So let’s stop telling moms they can have it all. That is a crock of shit. If anything we have less. We have less support, less pay, less favor for jobs if we have young children, less favor in the workplace for promotions, and less empathy from other non mothers or moms who had support. If we want a society where mothers can have it all, how about universal childcare (not just preschool but daycare), universal 6 months paid maternity leave, universal doula services for the first few weeks, equal pay for moms, flexible work schedules without bias towards those who can work 9-5 and overtime, and much more empathy toward moms. I have no judgement towards women who chose not to have kids, but that doesn’t mean you are allowed to think you are better than those of us who chose to have children.

Okay rant done.